Donology (The non-scientific study of donuts.)
(Not to be confused with donology (spelled the same) which is the
non-scientific study of Don.)
As you probably are aware, donuts exist in nature in many forms. Some have
become highly domesticated while others remain very wild. It is these wild
donuts which hold special interest for me. I have traveled far and wide
in search of the wildest donuts and have studied them in some detail. Below
is a summary of some of my findings.
To study the wild donuts, you must first travel to where the big herds
congregate for self protection from the many predators which exist in the
wilds. Here is a picture of a typical
medium size herd
with a lone Donopthor (Engineerus Munchus) stalking them. Note how the
wildest donuts try to hide themselves between and under other less wild
members of the herd. Unfortunately for them, their brightly colored coats
tend to give them away. However, as is often the case in nature, this same
trait often makes them the last to be attacked. My research has led me to
believe that the explanation for this is that most predators are afraid of
these "show-off" donuts. There is probably good reason for this
although I have yet to determine exactly what it is.
Here is a
close up aerial photo
of the same herd. Notice the pair of brightly colored donuts. These are
members of a sub-species known as Donostrus Sprinklus which has developed
a highly visual coat which, in a strange way, seems to help them survive.
The one on the right (the female) is the subject of a further study of mine.
It is probably important to point out at this time that the only known way
to study donuts dictates that said donuts must ultimately lose their lives.
But the student should not take this too hard because, first of all, donuts
only have a life span of a day or so (though some have been know to hang on
for weeks) and secondly, all of the researchers I know of do not ever hunt
donuts for the trophy only; we always eat the donisen (donut flesh). So,
you see, it is all part of nature's great plan.
That said, here is a rather grisly photo of a donut predator
on an unfortunate member of the herd. Notice the general feeding frenzy all
around. This herd was eventually completely wiped out. However, thru the
amazing resiliency of nature, exactly one week later, a new herd was roaming
the great halls of this wilderness.
As I mentioned, my main area of study has been the sub-species, Donostrus
Sprinklus which is commonly known of as "Sprinkle Donuts" or just
SDs. And, of course, the most facinating part of an SD is it's sprinkles.
Below I have compiled some example photographs taken to illustrate the amazing
findings from my study in Sprinkology.
Using powerfull and extremely high-tech, whiz-bang, way-cool, very-expensive
microscopes, I have penetrated to the very core of a donut sprinkle to discover
These shots are progressivly closer and closer views of a typical sprinkle.
DOW #5 in it's entirety
I include this picture here just for reference. (It is also visible from the
main donut page.
Close up of a section of sprinkles.
Notice the pretty colors. (Some not otherwise found in nature!)
Closer up of the same section of sprinkles.
This photo used a different, higher tech microscope which allows more detail
to be shown.
Two isolated sprinkles.
This photo used an even more different, even higher tech (donetron) microscope
which allows us to bombard the specimen with high velocity donetrons and then
analyze the secondary donetrons which escape from the surface.
Notice how, when studied under this magnification, the survival instincts
of the donut finally kick in and it's sprinkles lose all color as a last ditch
effort to blend into it's surroundings for protection.
Some researchers, after seeing this amazing photo, have sworn to never
"study" a sprinkle donut again as long as they live. I guess
you have to be strong to persevere in science.
The equivalent of a high altitude aerial photograph.
Notice how the sprinkle actually has sprinkles!
Primordial donut hole!
Though predicted by theorists for years, this is proof that there are still
many very small primordial donut holes floating around the universe. They
are the last remnants from the "Big Bake" which happened bizillions
of years ago and created the universe of donuts, cakes, hot-dog buns, etc
which we see today.
Close up of a sprinkle on a sprinkle.
As far as we have been able to determine, this "mirror tunnel"
effect with sprinkles within sprinkles continues indefinately the closer
one looks. Isn't science fascinating!?
The most amazing discovery of all.
When we discovered that the spirit of Gumby actually lives in every
sprinkle, even us hardened researchers were shocked. What does it all mean?
Why are we here? Where are we all going? What flavor donuts does the spirit
of Gumby prefer? So many questions..... So little time to eat donuts.....
WARNING: Creationist View:
I try to be an unbiased and highly scientific scientist so I must tell you
that there ARE other theories about donuts. To show how open minded I am
here is a letter I got from someone with a different world (of donuts) view.
He might be right.... But I DON"T THINK SO! It sounds a bit like classic
Donut Box Thumper rhetoric! ........ 8^)
(....Thanks to David Poissant for his great alternate view and sense of humor!)
I would like to thank the many fellow researchers who contributed to this
noble body of work to enlighten humanity.
Darwin (Origin of Donuts!) Brown unselfishly offered his donut
scanner every week and didn't even mind the frosting left on the glass.
G.C. (Mister Digital!) Schow provided use of his cool "
digital donut documenter" which allowed us to obtain the pictures
of the herds.
Jerry (In Your Face!) Long provided the extremely high-tech and
way-cool donetron microscope for the most shocking discoveries.
Mike (Donuts are just little inner-tubes!) Wassmuth provided
valuable insight such as noticing that "Like snowflakes, no two donuts
are exactly alike....."
Comments or suggestions?